BIDS FOR CONNECTION

WHAT IS A “BID”?

According to John Gottman, a marriage researcher, a bid for connection is any attempt to receive: Attention, Affirmation or Affection from our partner(s).

In subtle ways (and sometimes obvious ways), we are asking our partner to really listen to us, to see/notice us, to understand us, and to comfort us.

BIDS AS QUESTIONS:

“Do you like my outfit?”           “Did you hear about…?”          “Would you grab me some water?”

   “Will you help me put this together?”                 “When do you think I should go see my friend?

“Is it OK if I’m feeling too stressed to go?                   I’m scared/sad/mad, can I take a minute?”

 “Do you wanna watch a movie together on the couch?”         “Are you willing to rub my back?”

-NOT ALL BIDS ARE VERBAL-

There are just as many of non-verbal bids, such as moving closer to your partner on the couch, coming home with a new haircut, a smile, and showing emotion.

Many bids may be hard to miss, so constantly be on the lookout for them.

Example: “The traffic on the way home was terrible!” It may be easy to just shrug this off and not think much of it. But what your partner may be asking you is some attention, understanding, empathy, and perhaps some comforting.

TRY NOT TO MISS THE BIDS!

According to a John Gottman study of newlywed couples, the couples who were still together after six years were those who TURNED TOWARDS each other on an average of 86% of the time. Those who were divorced after six years only turned towards one another 33% of the time.

TURNING TOWARDS=NOTICING AND RESPONDING TO BIDS

In order to give your relationship it’s best shot, give your partner(s) that attention, affirmation, and affection that we all desire. Remember, humans are hard-wired for connection. Let’s turn towards our significant other(s) and create a long-lasting, meaningful relationship.

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